The Way Too Awesome to Happen Ending to “How I Met Your Mother”

Hello curious readers! Before we get to the title-promised theory about how How I Met Your Mother will end, a quick back-story!

Readers, it was the spring of 2012 and I was living in Dublin, Ireland. I had recently learned what both irony and hypocrisy were and was loving life. I had always heard of HIMYM but had never chosen to partake until one rainy afternoon. Originally, I was pretty skeptical about watching HIMYM. After all, it’s on CBS, the same channel that features the likes of Big Bang Theory. And just so we’re all clear, I hate Big Bang Theory. It is awful, stupid, isn’t “nerd” culture. It’s just cheap, vanilla, Middle American suburb TV. So yes, you can see why I would be resistant to another sitcom featured on the same channel. But lo and behold, I was pleasantly surprised. It was funny, cute, and had Jason Segel. After all, Jason Segel is my spirit Muppet.

The greatest honor one can have bestowed upon them in life: a muppet version of themselves.

The greatest honor one can have bestowed upon themselves in life: a muppet Doppelgänger.

Anyway, I powered through the first six seasons of the show and then watched the first few episodes of the seventh live but as soon as I got off my binge, I couldn’t bring myself back to it. The show just didn’t seem plausible anymore! How could all this have happened to one man? How could a man with such copious amount of alcohol consumption have such great memory retention? Ted’s kids should have beaten him with the blue French Horn years ago. In fact, I’m going to just let the kids tell you how it is themselves:

They have a point, don’t you think? How on Earth are those kids still alive/ that good looking (Call me Lyndsy Fonseca)? There must be a logical explanation to Ted’s seemingly impossible story…

Which brings us to the aforementioned theory as to how season nine will end.

So we’re going to get to the second to last episode of the series and Ted will be proposing to his to-be-baby-momma, she’ll say yes, and all is well with the world. Naturally, Ted, being the show off romantic that he is, will want to immediately inform his friends. Thus Barney, Robin, Lily, and Marshall will all pack into a car, presumably driven by Ranjit, and hurry to Ted’s house outside New York City where Ted and his fiancé are waiting. However, it will be a dark and stormy night and Ranjit will have recently gone through a messy divorce and is therefore under an unmentioned influence. He barrels down the wooded state highway, getting progressively more and more delirious as they approach Ted’s house up his driveway. Suddenly, lightning strikes a nearby tree and Ranjit loses his shit! He hits the gas and the car barrels into the side of Ted’s house. The crash busts through the wall of the kitchen where Ted, being the gas stove man that he is, has a burner going preparing h’orderves for his best friends. The house explodes, killing everyone but Ted instantly. As Ted grips his dying wife, she passes away. Cut to black.

How Shyamalan of CBS.

How Shyamalan of CBS.

Now in the series finale, we see Ted has been checked into a mental institution and in his shock has developed a genius like ability to recall every event that has happened to him in the last eight years. The doctors are observing Ted as his mental state continues to deteriorate while he sits in a chair and speaks to two pillows who he is convinced are the children he would have had with his would-have-been wife. They also note his inclination to embellish his stories with wildly exaggerated retellings of what were actually pretty boring events, almost as if he’s trying to impress his “children.”  With his inability to recognize and confront his now destroyed life, Ted will refuse to eat and slowly slip into a coma. Ted’s family makes the decision to pull the cord and Ted passes on to a better plane of existence where Barney’s plans always work, Marshall and him are roommates forever, Robin Sparkles is still famous, Lily plays the flute, and he can forever live a happy life with his wife and kids. The screen fades to black as we hear the opening theme but in minor and played much slower.

Then the screen lights back up and we see it was all inside the head of an autistic young Ted-esque looking kid staring into a snow globe of New York City a la St. Elsewhere.

Fin.

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2 responses to “The Way Too Awesome to Happen Ending to “How I Met Your Mother”

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