This Shit . . .

It can be mushy, oblong-shaped, and ranges in colors from black to green . . . but usually, it’s just plain yellow.
I don’t know about you fine folks, but that sounds disgusting to me.
However, I just can’t stay away.
Can’t stop. Won’t stop. And neither should you.

This shit . . . is Bananas.
Bananas — they’re just freaking amazing.
And here are a few reasons why:

1. Staying with the title: bananas are a great way to . . . uh . . . well . . . help with . . . “expelling” toxins. And digestion in general. Everything from absorbing nutrients to providing relief from heartburn. And a few more things . . . uh . . . in between.

2. Bananas are naturally radioactive. There should probably be a ‘slightly’ thrown in there somewhere. I can see a future, a future filled with banana-waged warfare: peel strikes, split bombs, and dare I say it, banana cream lasers.

Mario Kart just got real.

3. However, this Geiger reading is no fluke. It’s due to the high levels of potassium, which, I’ll have you know is pretty potent stuff. It can even save lives — as seen in “Honey, We Shrunk Ourselves,” the final movie in that iconic trilogy.

4. These yellow fingers are also packed with tryptophan, a natural producer of serotonin. So, they help to give you that cheerful, hopeful, and content feeling. You know what else releases serotonin? Sex.
Enough said.

5. Bananas, when pressed in a vertical manner, split into perfectly equal thirds.
It’s strange, but true.

6. These hands of fruit even have their own Republic – complete with manipulative business moguls and ruthless dictators. Maybe money really does grow on trees?

7. Only it’s not trees exactly. No, the banana plant is actually classified as an herb. The bananas themselves are berries. And the classic supermarket bananas grow on plants which are all perfect clones of each other. Because nothing bad ever came from clones right?


8. Speaking of clones: the Despicable Me minions not only look like the funky fruit, but their kind of in love with it, too. (See image above)

9. And speaking of the Minions: bananas often appear in songs. Popular and unpopular. Some of my favorites: Day-O (Banana Boat), Banana Phone, and of course, Gwen Stefani’s “Hollaback Girl” in which she helped a generation of children learn how to properly spells “B-AN-AN-AS”

10. Beyond eating, they are great for use in imaginative play: cell phones, boomerangs, and my personal favorite, banana pistols (see #1 for warnings and restrictions)

11. But perhaps their greatest feat, completely unimagined I might add, is that Banana’s have the real, bonafide power to, you guessed it, sink ships!
Again, a banana war just seems inevitable to me.

Can you say, “Hundiste mi barco?” Very good.

Here’s a little perspective on that from one New York Times article back in 2001:

”Fishermen believe bananas are bad luck,” said The Breakaway’s captain, Rick Etzel, 46, of Montauk. ”Something about a shipload of bananas that carried some weird bacteria which killed everyone on board. Maybe fictitious, but some people take the banana thing very seriously. A few years back, a guy on one of my charters showed up wearing a Banana Republic T-shirt. Another guy in the group went up to him with a knife and slashed the logo.”

And so, on that note, Banana away!
Just, make sure you don’t do it on a boat.

.  . . speaking of #8, and possibly a few other numbers too . . .

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