The “Friendzone.” It’s dreaded. It’s feared. Nobody wants to be put into it.
And it doesn’t exist.
Men will complain of being “friendzoned,” but what they mean is, “I am interested in this girl sexually/romantically but she is not interested in me sexually/romantically”. Guys will often act as if this is some great crime, as if the girl has done something wrong. That is, of course, not the case.
I recently had a horrible experience with this. I was minding my own business, procrastinating on Reddit, when I suddenly heard the Facebook message notification noise come from another tab. I went to read the message as any sane human would.
It was from a friend I hadn’t talked to in roughly a year and a half.
“Hey. I know we haven’t talked in awhile. Sorry about that, I was just upset. Anyway, how are you?”
Hm. I replied that I was good, that I was happy to hear from him, and then I asked why he was upset, I had no idea that anything had happened.
“Well, you friendzoned me. It really upset me for awhile.”
See, I found this pretty confusing. This former friend had never tried to kiss me, never asked me out, never so much as tried to hold my hand at the movies. How was it possible that I had rejected him?
He didn’t want to be “just friends,” he told me. The term “just friends” has always bothered me. As if my relationships with people matter less if there’s no sex involved; that friendship is somehow “less than.” I love my friends, they are important people in my life and they have been there for me through everything. I place a very high value on friendship, so someone telling me it wasn’t worth it to be my friend if there was no opportunity for a romantic relationship was pretty hard to hear.
Because that’s what this was: I didn’t indicate romantic/sexual interest, so he stopped being my friend. Guys, that’s not cool. At all. Let’s talk about why.
Things Guys Says About “The Friendzone”
I’ve scoured the internet for what guys have said about the friendzone (it hasn’t been a pleasant journey–people are freaks) and I present some of the more common complaints here.
“Most girls say they want a “good guy”, but when they meet him they keep him in the friend zone, chase after jerks, and end up heartbroken.”
Well. Okay. Except that if you think you “deserve” sex for listening to a girl or for being nice to a girl, you’re not a nice guy. And you’re a pretty terrible friend.
“If she is genuinely discussing boy problems with you, about how she feels and her dilemmas with other guys you have definitely been friend zoned.”
If a girl is discussing her problems with you, it means she trusts you. It means she values your opinion and want to hear what you have to say. Stop treating that like it’s a bad thing.
“She actually said ‘I can’t believe that no one is dating you. You are going to find SUCH a great girl.’ I’ve been so friendzoned.”
Girls are allowed to think you’re great without wanting to date you themselves. This is actually a compliment, wether or not you choose to believe that.
Why Complaining About the Friendzone Makes You Sound Like a Terrible Person
Saying that you don’t want to be friends with me if there isn’t the possibility for something else? That hurts my feelings. Like being my friend isn’t “worth it.” When you complain that someone talks about their relationship problems or tells you you’re a “great guy”, you’re complaining that that person trusts you and wants to be your friend. You’re saying that this is terrible, this friendship that will not lead to sex. You are doomed to be forever in the “friendzone” because she simply does not see you in a romantic context.
If I thought you were a terrible person, I wouldn’t waste my time on you, I wouldn’t share things with you, and I certainly wouldn’t call you a friend.
So stop acting like friendship is an insult, because it isn’t.
And that guy that Facebook messaged me after a year and a half? Safe to say we’re not friends anymore, Facebook or otherwise.